Fighting for Salvation (17)

And now I present to you Chapter 17...sorry it took so long to get out. This chapter takes place right after the events of Season 1.


Chapter 17

            The constant beeping and the feel of her hand were the only things that kept him sane. He rubbed his thumb along her knuckles, focusing his gaze on her skin. She had been asleep for two days now, and with each passing hour, the worry in his gut dug deeper, roiling his insides and making him sick.

            His back ached and one foot was asleep, but he refused to move. Aside from bathroom breaks, he never left her side. He dozed fitfully for a few hours here and there, his head resting back against the chair or on the side of her hospital bed. But she just continued sleeping, the rise and fall of her chest steady and constant – his only source of hope.

            He let his eyes roam across the bed and rest on her other hand. Two nights ago, her best friend had come in and gently opened her palm, laying a silver rosary there. Then she had closed her fingers over it. It had been years since he had last prayed, but he found himself reaching over and holding her other hand as well, his head bowing as he closed his eyes.

            "Dear God," he whispered. "I know you have no reason to listen to any request from me. But she loves you and has been faithful to you. Please heal her. Don't let her die like this. She deserves better. Let her wake up, God. Please. Let her wake up…"

 

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            It was the beeping that finally woke up her up. She frowned and winced at the same time – the noise was piercing at first and she just wanted it to go away. It occurred to her that she didn't know where she was or what was going on, and the only way to find out was to open her eyes.

            She did it slowly, afraid that light would blind her or give her an awful headache. But the room around her was dark, and she found it easy to slide her eyelids up, blinking a lot as her eyes adjusted to seeing things again.

            "Ava?"

            She slid her gaze to her left and saw Jen sitting next to her bed. At the sight of her best friend, she tried to smile, but her lips were dry and they cracked open painfully.

            "Hey," she croaked.

            Jen smiled. "It's about time you woke up."

            "Where am I?" Ava asked, her voice gaining more strength as she used it.

            "The hospital."

            "Nina tried to kill me…" she explained, her memory slowly coming back to her. Her brain jolted as it all washed over her, and she sat up quickly, ignoring the protest of her joints. "Nina!" she exclaimed. "She's evil! She's the mole –"

            Jen rested a gentle hand on her uninjured shoulder and tried to push her back down onto the bed.

            "We already know about Nina. She's been arrested."

            Ava lay back down slowly, her mind struggling to catch up.

            "How long have I been here?" she finally asked.

            Jen paused slightly. "Two days."

            Ava groaned. "You're kidding me."

            "No. You lost a lot of blood. Not surprising that your body decided it needed a rest."

            She nodded. "So they caught Nina in time? The Drazens were stopped? Everyone's okay?" She saw Jen wince slightly, though her best friend tried to keep her face stoic. "What?" she demanded. "What happened.?"

            Jen sighed and took a seat on the edge of the bed, holding Ava's hand in hers. "Not everyone is alright," she said quietly. "Nina killed a few people when she tried to escape."

            "Who?"

            "A couple of guards."

            "There's something else. There's something you're not telling me."

            She took a deep breath.

            "Teri."

            Nausea crashed over Ava in waves as her mouth went bone dry.

            "What?" she whispered.

            There were tears in Jen's eyes as she explained, but she tried to keep her voice steady. "After she finished with you, she tried to make her getaway. Teri found her – she probably wanted more answers about Kim and Jack. Nina shot her."

            Ava put a hand over her eyes, trying to block out Jen's words. Teri…the woman had become something of a mother to her in the past few months, something that she had desperately needed. They had talked about everything, Teri taking a genuine interest in Ava's life. The news of her death crushed her nearly as much as her mother's had. Suddenly, there was no oxygen in the room. She took gasping breaths, trying to bring air into her lungs. But her shoulders started to shake, and ragged cries escaped her mouth. She couldn't stop the tears that flooded her eyes, and soon she was sobbing.

            Then arms enveloped her, and Jen was there. She rocked her friend back and forth, whispering whatever words of comfort she could find.

 

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            An hour later, Ava's tears had subsided. Her face was pale and drawn, her eyes bloodshot. Jen had again taken her seat in the chair by the bed, but she kept her grasp on one of her friend's hands, gently rubbing her thumb back and forth over her knuckles.

            "Has he been here?" Ava finally asked.

            "Who?"

            "Jack."

            Jen shook her head. "No. Nobody but Kim has seen him. She visited you a couple times."

            "Really?"

            She smiled. "You're her friend, Ava. She wanted to make sure you were alright."

            "How is she?"

            Jen shrugged. "She's trying. That's more than some people." She paused. "She doesn't blame you."

            Ava ignored the comment, looking away. "So…you've been here for two days? Waiting for me to wake up?"

            "Actually…no."

            She looked back at her and frowned. "No?"

            "I would have, but…you had another visitor."

            Her confusion grew. "Who?"

            Jen smiled. "Tony."

            "What?"

            "He's the one that found you. He rode in the ambulance with you and then sat in the waiting room while the doctors put you back together."

            "Really?"

            She nodded. "And that's not all."

            "It's not?"

            "Nope. He sat by your side for two days; he only got up to go to the bathroom. I brought him food and made sure that he ate, but he refused to leave you."

            She looked around. "Then where is he now?"

            "He left when you started to wake up."

            "Why?"

            Jen sighed. "He told me about the argument you guys had. Right before your fight with Nina. He feels guilty. He knows he let himself be manipulated."

            Ava tried to shrug, but her shoulder quickly reminded her that it was done putting up with her and her unwillingness to sit still.

            "He shouldn't be too hard on himself. Boys are stupid."

            Jen grinned. "Throw rocks at them."

            Ava smiled slightly as her eyes fluttered closed. "I'm tired," she whispered.

            "Then sleep," Jen urged, reaching up to gently stroke her forehead. "Sleep."

 

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            When Ava next opened her eyes, she was surprised to see Jack in her room. He stood with his back to her, his gaze focused at something outside of the window. Looking at his profile, she could see the pain in his eyes, and the weary slump in his shoulders. Stubble was poking out all along his chin, and he looked as though he had slept in the clothes in he was wearing.

            "Jack?"

            He turned at the sound of her voice, and the grief etched on his face, caused tears to spring into her eyes. She saw the corners of his mouth twitch, as though he were trying to smile, but he eventually gave up when it just wouldn't come.

            "How are you?" he finally asked.

            She rolled her eyes. "Sore. Tired. Restless. You?"

            He shrugged. "I've been better."

            The tears came again, and this time she couldn’t keep them at bay. They rolled down her cheeks as she took in a shaky breath.

            "I am so sorry, Jack," she said brokenly. "Please…I know what you lost. I tried, I swear…"

            His face took on a look of shock as he moved to her side and sat down on the edge of the bed.

            "What are you talking about?" he asked, concerned at her sudden tears.

            "Nina…I tried to beat her Jack. I just couldn't…I didn't have the strength…my body just wouldn't keep going. I am so sorry…"she sobbed.

            He turned to sit shoulder to shoulder with her on the bed, pulling her toward him and holding her against his chest. Running his fingers through her dark hair, he rocked her gently.

            "No, Ava," he whispered. "This wasn't your fault. I don't blame you."

            "But if I had stopped her –"

            "That doesn't matter. You had serious injuries from earlier in the day – which you got searching for and protecting my family. Your body just couldn't take anymore. It's not your fault."

            "It feels like it is."

            He closed his eyes. "A lot of us blame ourselves, Ava. I know Tony blames himself for not seeing it, for defending her. I blame myself for trusting her. George does too. But if we let the guilt overcome us, we'll drown."

            She sniffed and looked up at him. "That doesn't stop you."

            "From what?"

            "From blaming yourself. You're punishing yourself. I can see it in your eyes."

            He shrugged. "I bear the most guilt. Whether I deserve it or not is another question. But it won't just go away overnight."

            "I know. I just want you to know that I'm here. That I won't let you drown."

            He managed a small smile at that. "Thank you." He paused. "I have two favors to ask of you."

            "Anything," she said, laying her head back down against his chest.

            "Keep an eye on Kim."

            "What do you mean?"

            Jack sighed. "She won't talk to me…about Teri. I can feel her pulling away. Will you take care of her?"

            "Of course. And the second favor?"

            He swallowed hard. "Will you…" his voice broke and he struggled to keep his emotions in check. "Will you sing at the funeral?"

            Ava sat up, looking at him in shock.     

            "Are you sure?"

            He nodded, tears streaming down his face. "Teri always…she loved your voice. And she thought of you like a daughter. It would mean a lot…to me, to her…"

            "Of course, Jack. Did you have a specific song?"

            He nodded again, clearing his throat as the emotion threatened to choke him. "The one that always made her cry when you sang it. She said it was the most beautiful and tragic thing she had ever heard. Do you remember?"

            Ava nodded, her own tears falling. "Yeah, Jack," she whispered. "I remember."

            She laid her head back down against him, and they held each other while they cried.

 

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            Ava was already dressed when Jen walked into the room. She was dressed in all black, her hair pulled into a low ponytail. Her makeup was minimal, the bruises still visible on her face and arms. She looked up when Jen entered, her face a mask of pain and weariness.

            "Did you sign all your forms?" Jen asked.

            She nodded. "I'm officially released."

            "About time. What kind of restrictions did that put on you?"

            "I'm supposed to rest for a couple weeks. I'm not allowed back at the gym for a month. I'm supposed to stay out of the field for a month as well, but I talked them down to three weeks."

            "You that anxious to back to work?"

            Ava shrugged, wincing when pain jabbed through her left shoulder. "I need something to do. Otherwise I'll wallow."

            "And we can't have that." Jen paused. "You ready?"

            "Yeah."

 

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            It was raining, and Ava found that fitting. Teri had always enjoyed the rain, saying that it was a nice break from the heat of the sun. The family and close friends stood under a tarp by the graveside, but there were numerous people standing outside of it as well. Teri Bauer had been well-liked and loved by many, and they had all come to pay their respects. Ava's eyes roamed over the crowd, and she spotted Tony standing near the back. He had no umbrella, and the rain soaked his shirt, but he didn't seem to care. The pain in his eyes was different from Jack's, but it was no less potent.

            She listened to the words of the pastor and tried to take hope from them. She believed in Heaven, and she prayed with all her heart that Teri was there now, in the peace of God. Her hand clutched around the rosary in her pocket as she prayed – not the Hail Marys and Our Fathers, but a personal prayer, into which she tried to pour all the anger and guilt and pain that filled her.

            It was over all too soon. The pastor ended his message, and men from the cemetery moved in to lower the casket. That was Ava's cue. She didn't bother to wipe away the tears that were already spilling out over her cheeks as she opened her mouth to sing.

 

There's no time for us.
There's no place for us.
What is this thing that builds our dreams,
Yet slips away from us?

Who wants to live forever?
Who wants to live forever?
Ooh.

There's no chance for us.
It's all decided for us.
This world has only one sweet moment,
Set aside for us.

Who wants to live forever?
Who wants to live forever?
Ooh.

Who dares to love forever?
Oh, when love must die?

Then touch my tears with your lips.
Touch my world with your fingertips.

And we can have forever!
And we can love forever!
Forever is our today.

 

She heard Jen's voice rise to meet hers in perfect harmony as they sang the chorus for the last time. The tears were falling all around them, and Ava imagined that she could hear them hitting the ground, mingled with the rain.

Who wants to live forever?
Who wants to live forever?
Forever is our today.

Who waits forever anyway?

 

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            The gathering at the Bauer house after the funeral was a quiet affair. People milled around uncertainly and talked in hushed tones. They huddled together, as though realizing that they were there on borrowed time, and they craved the feel of other human beings.

            Ava stuck it out as long as she could. But the pain meds were making her drowsy and she was sick of people asking how she was. Jack noticed her fading, and eventually sent her home, promising that he would call her in a couple days.

            Once home, she fell asleep almost immediately. She had drawn all the shades in the house so that it was bathed in darkness and then changed into a t-shirt and a pair of boxers before collapsing onto her bed. Her mind drifted gratefully into the safety of her dreams and she was blissfully oblivious of the real world for awhile.

            Hours later, her head shot up. She looked around groggily, trying to figure out what had awoken her. Glancing at her cell phone, she saw that it was 11:43 pm and groaned. The sound came again, and Ava realized that someone was knocking on her front door.

            She pushed herself up and padded down the stairs, not even bothering to turn any lights on. Until she knew who it was, she didn't want to ruin her chances of going back to sleep by blinding herself with light. Maneuvering through the kitchen, she reached out and opened the door.

            Tony stood on the other side, hands in his pockets. His face was drawn and his eyes sad as he stared at her. They stood there for a moment, neither sure of what to do. Finally, Ava decided that talking would be pointless. Reaching out, she took his hand in hers and led him inside, shutting the door behind him.

            Without a word, she led him through the dark house and up the stairs to her bedroom. Only then did she turn to face him.

            "Shoes off," she instructed. He did as she asked and then stood there staring at her again. "In," she said, pointing to the bed.

            They crawled in, and Ava snuggled against him. Tony wrapped his arms around her automatically, holding her tight.

            "You try anything funny, Almeida, and I'll kick your ass," she mumbled before they both drifted off to sleep.

 

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            Tony awoke to the smell of bacon and eggs. He lifted his head up off the pillow, sniffing the air and frowning in confusion. It took him a couple minutes to remember where he was and then it all came back to him. He remembered showing up at Ava's door late the night before, after having driven all over town. He couldn't shake the guilt and shame that invaded his very being, and the only person he could stand to see was her.

            Pushing himself off the bed with a groan, he looked around her bedroom, trying to get a handle on the woman who confused him so easily. The room was spacious, but cluttered – she obviously wasn't a neat freak. Two bookshelves rested across from the bed, one on either side of the TV; one held books, while the others held movies and TV on DVD. Tony browsed her collection, surprised at how many movies they both seemed to like. The books were mostly paperback fiction, worn and well-loved. On the floor next to the bed was a pile of crocheting and a cloth hamper that was overflowing with yarn.

            He wanted to explore some more, but the smell of food dragged him out of the room and down the stairs. Walking quietly into the kitchen, he saw Ava making up two plates filled to the brim with breakfast food. He smiled as he watched her, his ears picking up her voice as she softly hummed to herself.

            "Tony!" she suddenly yelled, turning around. "If you want breakfast –" She jumped when she found him standing in the doorway. "Ugh! You scared me, you dork!" she scolded.

            Tony laughed, the sound strange in his ears. "Sorry."

            Ava rolled her eyes. "It's fine. You hungry?"

            "Very."

            She handed him his plate before leading him into the dining room. He was surprised to see the table set, with a two glasses of orange juice laid out. They sat down across from one another, and as Ava bowed her head to pray silently, Tony stopped her.

            "Can we…can I pray with you?" he asked nervously.

            She smiled at him and reached her right hand across the table. "Of course," she said as he laid his hand in hers and squeezed gently.

            "Dear Heavenly Father," she began. "Please bless this food that we are about to eat. May it nourish our bodies and heal them, making them strong to do your work. Please heal our hearts and souls as well, Lord. Our wounds run deep and we hurt. Thank you for friends to lean on when we do not have the strength, and friends to lead us when we do not know the way. In Your name we pray, Amen."

            The rest of the meal was quiet as they focused on filling their empty stomachs. By the time they were finished, there was nothing left over and they carried their plates back to the kitchen. As Ava filled the sink, Tony turned to her.

            "You wash, I'll dry?" he asked.

            She smiled at him and nodded. They worked in silence for a few minutes before he finally got up the courage to say what was on his mind.

            "I'm sorry."

            Ava gave him an odd look. "For what?"

            Tony focused on the silverware he was drying. "For the things I said to you. For believing…her."

            She smiled. "I always told you she was evil."

            She had meant it as a joke, but the pain on Tony's face intensified. Turning off the water, she took his face in her hands, forcing him to look at her.

            "It's okay, Tony," she said firmly. "I mean it. I don't blame you."

            "You should."

            Ava sighed. "Did you mean those things you said to me? About me sleeping around?"

            "No," he said, looking at her fiercely.

            "Then we're fine. I just want to be your friend, Tony. Will you let me?"

            He gave her a small smile and nodded. "I'd like that. A lot."

            "Good. We should pick a day."

            "A day?"

            She shrugged. "It's something Jen and I do. We pick a day during the week and we make a point to hang out on that day every week. It's our day."

            "And you want us to have one?"

            "It could be fun."

            His smile widened. "Okay. How about Thursdays?"

            Ava turned back to the dishes. "Thursdays sound great."

 

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            Two days later, Ava lay sprawled out on her couch, mindlessly watching a Law & Order marathon on TNT. She had been watching for more hours than she wanted to admit, and had finally given up her crocheting when a hand cramp overcame her. Now she just zoned, her eyes fluttering closed every now and then as her body told her that more sleep would be a very good thing.

            A knock on the door made her groan. She didn't want to get up, but when the knock came again, she knew that she would have to. Walking out to the kitchen, she opened the door and found Kim standing there.

            "Hey," she said awkwardly.

            "Hey," Kim replied.

            "You wanna come in?"

            The younger girl nodded and stepped inside, while Ava closed the door after her. When the agent turned back around, she saw tears streaming down her friend's face as her shoulders began to shake.

            "She's really gone," Kim sobbed.

            "Oh Kim…"

            Ava took a step closer and pulled her into a tight hug. They stood there like that for a long time, soaking in all the comfort they could get.

 

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            She wasn't surprised when Jack showed up on her doorstep a week later. She knew that he had to spend some time alone while he tried to figure things out, but she also knew that he would eventually seek someone out.

            At first, they didn't talk. He would show up at random times, just walking into her kitchen rather than knocking. She would cook for them, making sure that he at least got something into his system. Then they would go into the living room and sit. Ava would read or crochet, while Jack just sat next to her. She wanted him to talk, to open up to her, but she knew that it would take time – he was still trying to process everything.

            Two weeks went by as they followed their new routine. Finally, one Monday night, he spoke.

            "Have you seen Kim?"

            Ava put down her book.

            "Yeah. We have lunch a few times a week. She comes over every Tuesday night and we watch American Idol."

            "How is she?"

            "I'm not gonna lie to you, Jack. She's hurting. Badly."

            "She won't let me in," he said desperately.

            "Right now she can't. Every time she looks at you, she sees Teri."

            "I just want to make sure she's okay."

            "I know. And I'm keeping an eye on her until she's ready to come back to you." She paused. "She doesn't blame you, Jack."

            He ignored her last comment. "Did she tell you she moved out?"

            Ava nodded. "She's a live-in nanny now."

            "I'm selling the house," he said abruptly.

            "Okay," she said slowly. "Are you sure that's what you want to do?"

            "I can't live in an empty house, surrounded by memories of things I don't have anymore. I might have kept it if Kim stayed, but…I'll get an apartment. It makes more sense."

            "Let me know when. I'll help you move."

            He nodded. "Have you heard from Tony?"

            "He comes by every Thursday."

            Jack frowned in confusion.

            Ava shrugged. "We're doing the friend thing." She paused, looking down at the blanket she was making. "He thinks you hate him."

            "Because of Nina?"

            "Yes."

            "We all trusted her…at least professionally," he added when he saw Ava make a face. "He bears no more guilt than the rest of us." He paused then, taking a deep breath. "Will you…will you tell him that I don't blame him? That it's not his fault?"

            "Of course, Jack."

            He nodded and they fell back into silence.

 

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            "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It's been one month since my last confession."

            "Rae..." the old man chided. "You're not Catholic…"

            Ava sighed. "Father, why do you insist on calling me by my middle name?"

            "Because, child, you are a ray of sunshine."

            "Har har," she said, rolling her eyes.

            She could see him smile even through the mesh window that was supposed to conceal her identity.

            "I'm serious, Rae. I don't understand why a good little Baptist girl like yourself comes to Confession on a regular basis."

            "We all need to confess, Father. We all sin."

            "Yes, but it's not a part of your faith."

            "That's where I disagree, Father. My faith is in Christ alone. He calls on me to confess. I can't always trust myself to do it on my own, so I come to Confession. Just because we're members of different sects, doesn't mean our faith isn't the same."

            "Nicely put, Rae. Very well, I shall hear your confession."

            She took a deep breath. "I am to blame for another person's death," she said finally.

            "You were finally forced to kill someone in the line of duty?"

            "No. But because of my weakness, someone close to me was murdered."

            "What do you mean?"

            "I tried to stop a traitor, a mole. Someone who had betrayed our trust and had been working against us from the inside. We fought, and she bested me. I tried, Father, I swear to you. But my body was weak, and she beat me. Because of that, she was free to kill the wife of one of my best friends."

            "You cannot blame yourself for that, Rae. You did what you could. I saw you in the hospital, child. I saw your injuries. There was nothing more you could do."

            "Wasn't there? Couldn't I have gotten up one more time? Or managed to get my gun out?" she said, tears streaming down her face.

            "No. You nearly gave up your life trying to stop that woman. If it hadn't been for you, perhaps she would have gotten away. You slowed her down."

            "I still feel guilty."

            He sighed. "Do you believe God has a plan?"

            "Yes."

            "Do you believe that it is a perfect plan?"

            "Yes."

            "Then you know that everything happens for a reason. That, as tragic and painful as it is, and as cruel as it sounds, this woman's death happened for a reason. We may not be able to see it now, but one day God's plan will make sense to us. When we ourselves are perfect, we'll be able to see the perfection in His plan."

            "That doesn't make it go away," she whispered brokenly.

            "I know, Rae," he said gently.

            "So what do I do?"

            "Pray. And I will pray for you as well."

            "Thank you, Father."

            "Now go in peace, child. Rest easy in the promise of Christ."