Dreams

Sep. 5th, 2007 08:44 am
failegaidin: (alone)
 Alright, the dreams have been uber weird lately, so I figured I'd try to write them down. Sometimes I only remember flashes, so they may not make sense. 

I dreamt that I helped two friends commit suicide by drinking something that a deep red or a purplish color. At first they were Buffy and Willow, but then one of them turned into Jen. After it was over, I sobbed and sobbed, praying that it had only been a dream. I dreamt that I was worried I had lost my keys, but they were in the pocket of my hoodie. I dreamt that I text messaged Jen, but I was having trouble with the capitalization and some of the letters were huge. And I asked her if she had done anything stupid (aka suicide). And I was in an attic at one point. Or what looked like an attic. But there were multiple floors with chainlink doors. I might have been looking for someone.

That's all I really remember. But they were vivid and they stuck with me. I don't know what's up with my head lately.
failegaidin: (sayid awesome)
Sadly, my network is not letting me onto Gmail chat today. I don't know if it's because of some internet problem or because my network has now decided to block the chat feature. We'll have to wait and see. But feel free to still send me emails there, because I'm still an email whore.
failegaidin: (Default)
Okay, so I realize this is going to come across as weird. I don't care. Well, I do care, but I'll write anyway. This it to all the people who know me from Chlack and Chlack-related things. My online pen name has been Tessa. I gave that originally because I was a little creeped out about giving my real name to online people. But many of you have become my friends, so I thought I'd just make a blanket statement. My name is Lisa. It's easier if I just go by one name since Holly was using my real one and others were using my pen name and I was getting confused with who was calling me what, so...Lisa. You can all call me Lisa. 

Does that just make me uber-weird?
failegaidin: (Default)
So - the magnificent amazing good news:


NIGHTMARE HAS COME HOME!!!!

She came in last night and is now cuddling and snuggling with me in bed. Words cannot express how happy I am to have her home. And Mimi said that she can move in with us on a trial basis. If it works and the other cats don't freak, she can stay. Life rocks and I love my cat. And I love God. And I love all of you. Thank you all for your prayers and good thoughts. You all rock my socks.
failegaidin: (Default)
So this morning I was packing my car and getting ready for work when I heard this pained meowing coming from nearby. I looked at Smokey (the kitty who lives under the trailer), but he was just staring at me. So I moved toward the meowing and found....NIGHTMARE!!!! She let me pet her and even pick her up, but when I went to walk toward the house, she scrambled out of my arms. She never did like to be carried. So I followed her some more and pet her again and she let me pick her up again...and then she jumped out of my arms. Then Smokey came over and wanted to investigate, but Nightmare wanted none of that. She hissed at him and ran away and then I couldn't find her again. But she's alive and she looks well, and I'm so happy!!! Please pray that I catch her before I move this weekend. I'm so relieved that she's okay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
failegaidin: (Default)
I realize that I should be packing. Or cleaning. I should be doing something productive. Instead I'm sitting on my ass in bed, watching hours of the X-Files. It's an intriguing show, and it's easy to just keep clicking "Play." I really like Mulder and Scully....of course, I find myself waiting for them to get together :)

I moved the big stuff today - with Jen's help. I was just going to take a few boxes of books, but she wanted to fill the entire car. So we ended up moving the whole desk, one bookshelf, three boxes of books, my Xbox, a bag of clothes, and my stool. So now I'm trying to just throw shit away. I'm on my second trash bag, and things are looking better, but...I think I've still got a long way to go. I can't even go to bed yet because there's so much crap on it. I really want to get to packing the books and DVDs. But I have zero boxes. Count 'em - ZERO. And yet 200 books to pack and probably 100 movies...so what am I supposed to do?

I think my mom is mad at me. She really wanted me to move back into the trailer when she and her boyfriend moved out. But I don't want to stay here alone. It's out in the woods, and I can admit that I'm afraid of the dark. And there are always problems with it - the pipes freeze, the hot water heater explodes, etc etc. But I'd rather live with Mimi and Grampa. It's amazing how much I want to live like a normal person...with a family and with regular meals and in a real house. Maybe I won't be so lonely. Maybe I won't feel so disconnected. Living alone in the trailer would only intensify those feelings. But since Ray (her icky boyfriend) is moving in at the same time I'm moving out, it doesn't look as though I'll get much help. Every time I ask for her help in getting boxes, I get the answer of "Well Ray is moving too..." UGH. Two more weeks from today and I'll be living in Flanders.

UGH - and my ex-stepmother has called me four times today. She says she's really sick. She wants me to come over and help with my little brothers. But I just don't have the energy for her. Every time she's sick, she acts like she's dying. I don't think I've ever seen her be sick and say "Don't worry, I'll be okay." It's always, "I'm dying" or "My chest hurts" or "I can't breathe" or "I just can't get up." I feel bad for my little brothers. They don't deserve to go through this drama. But at the same time, I can't let myself get sucked back into that HELL. I hate the fact that I cringe every time I hear my phone singing "In The AIr Tonight" (the ring set specifically for her).

Alright, guess I'm done ranting for now. I should at least clean my bed off before I try and go to sleep....

I hurt

Apr. 22nd, 2007 12:08 am
failegaidin: (Default)
Don't have much time to explain, because I should be in bed right now. But I just needed to say that I am so beyond emotonally drained right now.

- family squabbles over who's going to live where when my brother finally moves out of his place
- my cat is still missing
- I dream every night that I find my cat and then wake up to find that she's still gone
- I feel guilty for making my mom upset at her birthday party
- when I got home, I had no internet and I just broke. I cried, telling God that this was just too much - thankfully, God is amazing and handed me my internet back a couple minutes later, humbling me.
- people telling me what I should do when they so obviously have a vested interest in the outcome - and when I can't really trust them because they tend to enjoy causing drama (or at least have a compulsive drive to do so).
- sleeping like crap because I dream all night every night
- feeling like I'm a big fat blob who can't do anything right and isn't good enough for anything or anybody

So yeah. I'm tired.
Sometimes wish God would just send me an email being like, "Look, this is where you're doing the wrong thing. This is where you should be. Don't worry. I'm taking care of you."

Thankfully I've still got my faith. God's here. He's taking care of me. I just have to go through some shit right now. Just wish I could see the light at the end of this particular tunnel. Maybe I have a flashlight around here somewhere....

Shitty Day

Mar. 28th, 2007 09:38 pm
failegaidin: (Default)
Alright, I've never really used this thing for personal comments, but something happened today to warrant a blog rant. So I shall rant. I realize that most of you only know me from my Chlack fics, but bear with me.

First, a little background: My mom and dad divorced when I was ten. My dad married another woman (Lisa) and they had two kids (my little brothers whom I love dearly) and then divorced about 5 years ago. My mom married again too, but he was evil and died of a heart attack 5 years ago. My last couple years of college, she (my mom) started seeing this guy Ray. Ray is my dad's ex-best friend. He is also friends with Lisa. Lisa has a boyfriend and is not interested in Ray, but she can be really manipulative and she exaggerates like there's no tomorrow. But she's been there for me for the past 12 years and I appreciate that. Side note: my father and I can't stand each other. He cheats on every woman he's with and thinks he can do no wrong and has also hit most of the women he's been with and he's an alcoholic. He threw me out of the house two months after my stepdad died because I stayed friends with Lisa. We reconciled for a while until I decided that I needed to get my life together before dealing with more of his manipulative power-struggle CRAP. So I cut off communication 2 years ago. We haven't spoken since.

Still with me?

Okay.

Three months ago Lisa let me listen in on a phone conversation between her and Ray. She had been telling me for more than a year that Ray was hitting on her and stuff, but I didn't believe her. But then I listened in on this phone call. He said that he wasn't involved with my mother (when he had told me he was) and that he just wanted to be with Lisa (despite the fact that she's involved with someone else). He went on and on about how depressed he is and how he just wants to be with Lisa and that if she (Lisa) would be with him, he would drop everything (including my mother) and go to her. I also read emails he wrote to Lisa basically stating the same things. So I told my mother. Because she does not deserve to be used like that and she doesn't deserve to lose ANOTHER man to Lisa. So I told her. I cried. She had a talk with Ray, and apparenlty everything was hunky-dory. I never got the full story of that one because mommy and I don't talk about our feelings. But I was not okay with Ray. Instead of being at our house all the time (I live with my mom), she started spending all her time at his house. FINE. I could live with that.

Ray did not contact Lisa for almost 3 months.

Today he called her. She called him back because she missed the call. Now, this is all hearsay since Lisa told me that this is what happened. But you can only not believe someone for so long when evidence points to the fact that they might be telling the truth. So, when I say that he said, know that Lisa said he said. I just can't keep typing that over and over again. ANYWAY. Ray said that he is not in a relationship with my mother (that they've never had sex, that they don't kiss - and I know that last one is a lie since I've WITNESSED it); that I need to keep my nose out of other people's business; that I'm 22 and I don't know anything; that I've never been in a relationship, so how could I POSSIBLY understand; that I'm a snoop; that I'm ruining things for my mother; and then the bastard compared me to MY FATHER. I have known this man my entire life. He has been a father figure to me since my dad sucks beyond belief and wants nothing to do with me because I'm a bad daughter and brainwashed into this Christianity thing. How could he possibly turn around and say those things??? It was beyond hurtful to hear and I feel betrayed all over again.

I realize that was a pretty personal rant and you guys have no idea who any of these people are. But I had to get it out. I can't go to my mother again because I have no proof, and it didn't do anything the first time. But I can't just deal with this man in my life. And he might be moving in with us for a while. And I am NOT okay with that. This blows.

And on top of all that, Sanjaya didn't go home tonight. Bastard.

Sexy Kiefer pic to make me feel better.

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